Yes it is My Birthday... I cant believe I am 29 years old. Although some of you older then me are like whatever your still BABY, you still got a long way ahead of you...
I know I do but when this day should be filled with laughter, excitement and filled with amazing plans. I am in a point in life where things are going the complete opposite of where I thought there were going.
I've learned so much over the years about myself and others. I have learned a lot about who I am as a woman and where I should go more as a woman of God. Now this message is not to push you to believe in God. I just know for myself without him I would be NOTHING. I saw this video on youtube by Jefferson Bethke and it totally took me down and a new path that I KNOW FOR SURE God wants me to go. I have to become more transparent with you all and with myself. Connecting to others is my job. So why not tell you my fears, my worries, What I have overcame and what I still struggle with. What I love about Jefferson is that he isn't afraid to tell you he still struggles with some things. He tells you what he knows and whats is amazing about God but he doesn't paint a picture for you that he is perfect. He tells you I am just like you... IMPERFECT. He inspired me to see me in the mirror and pick out all the good and all that I need to change about myself. I have been going through a spiritual warfare for quite some time now. I have been going through some battles that NOONE even knows about. In time when I am ready I will reveal them. As of now my spiritual battle is being obedient, is giving up a lot of worldly desires that only hold me back from what I am called on to do. If anyone said it was easy to just be a born again christian, that you just have to stop what you use to do....RUN!!!! lol RUN RUN RUN!!! lol It is not easy, it is very hard from letting go of what your so use to, even when you know whats ahead is better. "TRUST ISSUES" We all deal with them and thats why moving forward is hard.
My life has made a 360. I would of never thought I would be where I am at today but I have to look forward. A little of whats going on...
My relationship with a man I LOVE SOOOO MUCH...has ended. But not in a good way. breaking up was the hardest thing to do, for myself and my kids.
you cant live life with someone who's not willing to look in the mirror with you and say these are OUR flaws lets face them, fix them and evolve together as ONE....
You can't be with someone that will not look in the mirror at all, and will have you just look in the mirror and say this is all you do and this is your fault that this is this way...
Relationships are hard, and there are times that its going to feel like there is JUST NO WAY OUT!!!
Thats when you know there is a breakthrough coming...but if that other person doesn't believe that then it just fades.
I notice a lot of my wrong in the relationship too. I notice that I am controlling to the max...lol I have to let go of that because then I can't allow God to do his work on myself because I am too busy trying to take the wheel. I notice that I want too much and don't appreciate whats in front all the time. Now let me explain before I sound selfish lol I want so much because my life has been a LONG struggle and all I want is to get out the struggle and be happy already. My problem is that I didn't see what good was happening in front of me. For example a bill got paid this month and I should be happy and relieved that it was paid and no worries for the rest of this month right?....nope I start to worry about next month...lmao and it ain't even here yet. It causes your other half to feel unappreciated because they work so hard to pay that bill off and although I am happy and I say thank you a million times and yayyyy,!!! I am already worrying about next month and your other half can sense that and then they start to worry and feel like wow when will I ever just make it. I am a very appreciative person and I am a very selfless person but so many years of struggling has caused me to worry more and enjoy less and THATS NOT LIFE!!!
How many of you can analyze yourself after a break up? (Not Much) lol most likely your too bitter about the other persons wrong but in all actuality you have part of the relationship too and it didn't just take one to make it fall apart. Now he wasn't an angel. He caused alot of sorrow. But I also did have some part of the relationship faling. I am not making excuses, I am just taking ACCOUNTABILITY and I am woman enough to say that I had fault in it as he did. The way he went about the struggle was different the way I do and thats where it went wrong for the both of us. BUT when the relationship is to a point that someone gives up then you cant force them to love and fight for you..It's impossible! You cant give them the passion and the desire to love you and work on it, THEY have to want it. Emotional pain, no person should deal with no matter how hard the relationship gets. Sometimes its best to just walk away and although its hard, I struggle everyday to not miss him but if a man will not see his wrong then theres no point in being with him because there will be no room for growth in him and in your relationship. I wanted a future with him and was willing to overcome all challenges with him because I knew already what the struggle of a family is, of a marriage, but he didn't. He's an amazing man but needs a lot growing to do for himself mostly and sometimes u have to walk away and let God do his job. and if its meant to be God will make a way. I struggle with trusting that but thats where faith and trust in God comes in and the test is on. Not that he is less of a man he's just not as prepared as I am and maybe one day he will be... who knows... but right now I am moving forward.. as hard as it is, as painful as it is to imagine the love of your life should possibly fall in love with someone else because now we are both single scares me everyday. BUT I know the woman I am and I KNOW I am an amazing woman and mother. You need a team player in a relationship not an enemy. This situation in life has made me want to work on myself more then ever, made me reevaluate the things I do, think about, and know. I am going through a renovation with myself. I see myself as an old victorian house. Old but Beautiful with all the details, however with years of storms its took a beating and now it needs to be renewed with the same detail work just better and up to date repairing. My house will be added with new rooms and new details that only bring life to the house. Keeping some of the splits and bumps to show how much its endured but brand new to live in. God is working in me more then ever and I realized I poured myself more into a man and our relationship then pouring myself into God first. God is the foundation to a happy life and once you fully understand that, life will seem so different.
I hope this helps you all...I am not looking for pity, Just want you all to know I understand the struggle, I understand a lot because I have been there. I hope by being vulnerable about myself has shown you that we are all not perfect. I want to do great things, I want to inspire as many people as I can and the first thing I don't want is to seem fake or a hypocrite. I struggle with a lot everyday but I'm AWARE of my struggle and I am working on it everyday. So today look in the mirror and say I am IMPERFECT made by a Perfect creator "GOD" and yea I have my issues but TODAY I will work on them, TODAY I will take OWNERSHIP of myself and whats needs to be fixed. TODAY! I am closer to being that better WOMAN I know I can be...
Thanks for all the bday wishes already and thank you to all the love you shown me on my journey.
Down Below is the video that really inspired me.
This guy is amazing and has truly help me see a lot of myself.
Become apart of the Inspiration WATCH IT PLEASE!!!!