Wow!! I’m 30
So many emotions run through me,You may take this as just another year getting older; some may think I am making this bigger then it is. When you lived my shoes, endure the pain the way I have, you can kind of understand why turning 30 is so important to me. My 20’s were filled with mistakes, guilt, selfishness, sacrifices, betrayal and so much heart ache. Don’t get me wrong there was a lot of joy but I allowed the negative to cloud the good moments and hold me back from so much.
I let my pain be excuses for my actions.
I let my guilt control my mind
I let men into my life that had no business being there!
I’m opening up and confronting myself more and more as to why these things happened and why I made the same mistakes.
I want to wash away everything I let hold me back.
FEAR held me back
INSECURITY held me back
BEING A VICTIM held me back
I let this moments of being taken advantage pull me down and suck me into a dark place. A dark place I was in for 10 years
10 years of looking for love, wanting someone to love me because I didt love myself. I would look in the mirror and be so disgusted of myself.
Thoughts of dying were a regular to me.
I looked for outlets all the time
I looked for anything to heal me
I even chose the wrong men which made things worse, wanting to be loved so bad that I didn’t pay attention to the reds flags. I just wanted to feel love, like an addict needs drugs. Then after my kids father being the worse break up and man I’ve ever known.
I realized I needed to FOCUS on ME
I needed to LOVE ME
so instead of staring in the mirror and hating what I saw I look at the things I see beautiful
instead of wanting him to come back I told myself what he was missing out on.
I started looking at life differently after being close to death.
that moment was the scariest moment of my life.
I looked at my kids and didn’t ever want to put them through the heartache of not having their mother.
I started fighting for my life.
I started loving myself and I started realizing that I am strong and amazing.
I started to appreciate life because it could have ended at 29. It could have been done and I could have died with sorrow in my heart.
That is not not how I want to die and thats certainly not how I want to live anymore.
I want to be successful, I want to be healthy so I can live long to watch my kids grow.
As for LOVE well thats on hold. lol
I want to fall more in love with myself, I’m still not all there. No ones perfect and my journey has been a roller coaster.
I fell in love with someone and unfortunately it didn’t work. BUT I still believe in LOVE and I know that it will happen so my focus is on my kids, my career and ME. Falling in love was great and I’m glad that I did because it shows after the worse heartbreak of my life that my heart still works…
things just don’t work and instead of forcing it, just let it go…
saying goodbye to my 20’s is an amazing feeling because I’m saying hello to a new book in my life.
I am welcoming more love, happiness and peace.
Im not going to stress on what I cant control and I am def not going to shed tears the way I did.
I am looking forward to this new journey and I have control of this journey.
I am not a victim anymore I am a SURVIVOR.
It’s time to start Living…