I have to say this before I say anything else! It sure feels good to be back!!!
I cant believe how long I've been away and not being able to help someone was truly effecting me. Days would go by and I constantly thought about writing but unfortunately life happened and certain things kept me away from what I love most.
This is apart of me, and to think that this part of me I almost threw away. For my own personal reasons of course but mainly fears. Fear of not going anywhere with this, fear of being myself, fear of so many other things as well.
I must tell you this. I AM NOT AFRAID ANYMORE.
I have this feeling I've never felt before.
All I can say is that it took me fighting for myself and who I was to see the woman I am.
Does that even make sense?
I was told to be this way, told to change, I was told to take this job and this job told me to be this way, I fought with this person and I defended that person.
I was in constant battle with myself and listening to other voices that only wanted to see me the way they saw me and the way they WANTED me to be.
They didn't see me the way I knew me!!!
To please them I tried so hard to change, to listen to those voices and trust that maybe they were right and I was wrong.
The more I listened' the more lost I became. Sadly the more I fought to be myself, the voices became louder and painful. So painful that deep in my soul was being effected by it. I don't know about you but when your soul hurts it's a body ache you cant move from, a migraine that keeps you from the light, a stomach pain so bad you can't even smell food.
I found myself LOST.
This woman I saw in ME so beautiful, so happy, so pure was being changed into an image she couldn't see herself in.
Why couldn't I be loved being me
Why I couldn't I be appreciated for being me
Why couldn't I be treated how I deserved being ME
I couldnt understand!! I am Loyal as a friend, wife, a human being PERIOD.
I am Loving, caring, trusting, dependable etc....
When I love, I love HARD and all the way. I will do whatever it takes to make sure you know your safe with me, that through any tough time I will be there for you.
Unfortunately The people I lost very dear to me in my life weren't the same in return.
I realized that my happiness did mean more to me and that I wasn't being selfish I was being how your supposed to be. They were being selfish and making sure their feelings were first.
What hurt most was when I got tired of the loud painful voices and I screamed ENOUGH. Suddenly I became the horrible one. Suddenly I'm the enemy.
Thank God I know my worth and thank God I have the ability to see things some people just don't see and if they do they don't take accountability for it.
I had to take huge steps in my life. Most of the steps didn't work out right but it taught me a lot.
Ive failed a lot this year in many ways, but I have learned a lot from it.
I see more clearer than ever, I see where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to do. Sadly I lost some people dear to me but I cant dwell because they chose to leave and so I chose to move forward and when new people come in my life I know to be more cautious. I know my heart doesn't deserve the pain it's endured and never again will I chose to be someone I'm not.
Love me FOR ME or don't love me at all.
So to end this But I promise you I will talk more about this...
I am obsessed with the movie Cinderella.
(The Real one that came out in 2015 not the animated one)
In this version I guess I took it so deeply because I can relate to her but in this movie her mother taught her to be Courageous and Kind and during the whole time cinderella was mistreated, she tried so hard to stay the way her mother raised her to be. She was so beautiful and you can see that just all around cinderella was kind inside. Her stepmother tested her, made her do things she didn't deserve until it came down to her survival and what meant most to her. and that was LOVE. She stood up for LOVE, but the BEST PART was as she walked away with her prince, she turned around to her stepmother and with grace she said I forgive you.
She forgave and walked away to her new beginning, not allowing what had happened to her change or effect what she was starting.
This movie spoke to me in so many ways that I will be writing more about it. If you haven't seen it PLEASE DO!!!!
Ive lost a man I swore up and down was my prince charming, I've lost friends I've had for years and I even lost a family member. But in the end I lost them because being who I was just wasn't enough. Of course for many reasons and one day I will speak on it but for now as I'm falling in love with JULIEVET again. I'm Healing. As tho I am very happy and excited that my future is brighter, I still mourn for the lost. It's not easy erasing the good moments but when the bad out ways the good. You have no choice but to walk away and do whats best for you.
I have realized that although I am not perfect, I am truly an amazing person and all I've ever wanted was loyal people by me to uplift me and be there for me as I have been for them.
Life has a way of teaching you a lesson. These lessons I take with an open mind and heart, I know that God will show me why on his timing.
This movie showed me so much but showed me that I am courageous, I am kind
That if no one loves me or accepts me for me, then walk away.
I will stay who I am because who I am