This is for you today!
As I sit here again with that fear inside me to open up, again feeling like I will be judged; I fight that feeling daily. "WE ARE NOT PERFECT!"
All of us are fighting something today. All of us has something going on that prevents us from moving forward. It can be a relationship, a job, a friend, even a family member, or believe it or not it can be your past that keeps you from your future. It blows my mind how most of us are not aware of these things. Even myself...
We focus on the now, the pain or problem. It blinds us from seeing how it effects us in so many ways. Some people think because they are so smart they think they know how to do things. Well you can read any book, newspaper, sermon etc.
Nothing will teach you about YOU but YOU...
When you except how you are, the things you do right and wrong is when GROWTH happens.
You have to face why things keep happening.
Face why people continue to not like how you are or how you act.
Face why relationships don't work out.
Face why you continue to lose jobs then succeed in one.
Now its hard! We don't want to look in the mirror. I still have some challenges, I'm not perfect! We don't want to see the darkness, the pain, the vulnerability. We live in world now where vulnerability means weak. I say thats WRONG!! Vulnerability means strength to me. Shows how strong you are to show your heart and not afraid of judgment. Shows COURAGE. Yea you give the wrong people the door to try to take advantage but thats where again GROWTH happens. You start to open your eyes more and you see who deserves it and who doesn't. The best part is that you handle it with poise. Don't get bitter don't hate life. Life isn't the problem. Try and understand it and think positive. Why wake up sad and frustrated? I don't want that kind of life!!
The last conflict I had truly tore me apart. I wont get into detail too much because the wound is still fresh. A man I created two beautiful babies with has betrayed me in so many ways I just couldn't possibly believe it. Not only did he trick me to believing that finally we can get along and just co-parent and be on the same page. His jealousy took control and his anger started to take over and not only did he create problems with me but I truly saw a side of him I would never imagine. I saw the immaturity and the evil inside him that continues to shock me. The fact that he can go so low to ruin my relationship with someone that makes me so happy shows how much he still hurts, is still angry and not with me with himself. I had to realize at that moment there is really people that don't want to see you happy. He still deals with issues he's fighting and it took a dear friend to tell me a few words that completely changed my way of thinking. She texted me and said "hurt people, hurt people"
When I read that I realized instead of dwelling on what he did, I had to take a step back and realized what I DID WRONG BY ALLOWING HIM TO HURT ME YET AGAIN!!!
There is just some people in your life that you just cant keep giving chances too and you just have to forgive them for YOUR peace and you don't have to keep in your life. I thought we can build a friendship and co-parent but then I realized the lies that continue and will continue has nothing to do with me anymore. Removing myself from the situation instead of making it worse by going back and forth was the best for me and my kids. In the end my kids need their parents and I will never take that away from them. My issues with him has nothing to do with him being a father and that I will never take away either. But as a human being he has a lot to fix and I will not allow his pain, his hurt, his anger affect my life, my family and my relationship anymore. He's in denial and thats on him, but I will not live in denial I will not live life not looking in the mirror.
My point of he was in it...
God was in all that mess every step of the way. He showed me how much I've grown, how I've become stronger in fighting for myself and what I stand firm with. "My Faith".
My world had to get shaken up a bit to show me he's still here. The devil makes us comfortable sometimes. Don't you find yourself praying less when things go great? When your money is right, job doing good, relationship going good and you don't even thank him or call out on him as much as you did when things were not good! God allows things to happen so that you can remember he is and always will be GOD. He will always be the one to help you through anything you just have to realize its not on YOUR timing. This is where we learn patience. Seeing my mother so affected by what I was going through and her watching me literally get sick is something I will never forget. My mother watched her daughter waste away from a pain I couldn't bare. But she never left my side. Even when we couldn't understand each other from all the emotions she stayed as my rock. Thats how God is with us. I thought I lost my boyfriend a relationship so different and unique in many ways. I've noticed how we are both learning from each other. He makes me want to be better and better and I see how much he wants to be better, we don't judge each other. We accept who we are now because we know where we are going.
Almost being broken shows how much we care for each other emotionally. God was in it. He allowed something that would have definitely made us walk away. Sometimes what we are going through is to show us God is here and we need to always lean on him but not through just the tough times but through the good.
He was in my struggle
He was in my success
He was in that bathroom when I cried my eyes out hoping for better days
He was on the phone with me when I got great news that day
He was next to me when I cried myself to sleep heartbroken
He was next to me when I got that acceptance letter.
I know you can relate to one of these or you can make your own.
You know God is always apart of it.
You don't have to be religious to understand God.
Just understand thats it's not about YOU and the timing YOU want him to come.
Many of us get angry with him or don't believe in him because again we live in a world that we have to see to believe. I tell you this, He comes in many forms.
Stay aware cuz he was in it...
Today learn who your are and then take a second to understand why?
but always know Hes there and always will be...