I cant even believe how long it's been since I've been on here and to see how much of you still look for me, still go on and read my blogs truly make me feel so good. Actually it's motivating in most ways. I think of writing every day. It's crazy how you can get distracted to easily from life.
Well... I have been 30 for 6 months and I must say way an emotional rollercoaster it has been. I didn't expect my life to change when I turned 30, I didn't expect things to be so new that I could forget my 20's but I did expect to be more aware and more sure of the choices I need moving forward in my life.
Everyday I want to write everyday I have a new topic to write and talk to you all about and I always feel this sense of fear creep up inside me. Feelings of judgment, feeling ashamed, feeling overly blessed, feeling like a failure, feeling extremely beautiful...lol let me explain a little more.
I never want to give you the impression that my life is too shitty or too perfect. I want to bring you so much information on what I learn with my own life hoping it will help you but then the overthinking part comes along and I tend to really analyze how I would portray myself.
People take things so literal now a days that choosing each word wisely has been in full effect.lol
BUT today I realized actually maybe a month ago I realized that I AM HUMAN!!! Wow seriously
I AM HUMAN!!!
I make mistakes, I have flaws, I have talent and awesome creative skills, I am beautiful, I also have health problems, and I also have emotional baggage to still deal with...
I am HUMAN!!
I am ok with having these things, it shows my growth in many ways. I am very aware of myself, who I am as a woman and I love myself very much. What I truly battle with is people not seeing me...
That is where honestly the insecurity kicks in. Where I start to find ways to prove myself to everyone rather then just letting them see me and my actions. I often chase after people then just allowing the time to align us together, allow my actions and personality show them who Julievet is. I am very proud that I will never allow myself too loose who I am to someone but I am not proud that I am still weak in some ways to make people see me for me. But I AM HUMAN!!
I am learning and what I am truly happy about is that I am not afraid to lose anyone or anything anymore. Of course the worry kicks in but I truly think if you think that life is better without me then why should I beg you to stay, when you have already opened the door and walked out?
I have been so afraid of being alone and people leaving me that I would do so much to get them to stay and that is truly an insecurity I had to face and deal with. But I also came to understand it is true my daddy issues that connect to all of this. Whether it is friends, or relationship I am learning that having to bend backwards to prove what a great woman, is not only exhausting and time consuming but it is not beneficial to me because I am not gaining anything from this extra work. I am only wasting time on trying so hard when the risk is high on losing that friend or relationship. I am what I say I am. So I make mistakes YES but I know that the heart I have is pure and rare and very hard to find. This is not being conceited in anyway, but I know what I offer. I know how much I can love and support someone without feeling pressured without giving up.
I am happy that I'm in this place of mind. I am happy that I am not scared of being alone anymore. I battle how much will I tolerate to prove myself to someone. I know proving your loyalty is suppose to happen but whats the limit? What is the end point where you throw your hands up and say I have had enough!!! If you can't see me for me then you wont ever!!
I have literally lost so many friends this year and a few relationship already. I have done things I've never done before to prove my loyalty and honesty and to be completely honest I don't regret it but I regret the people I did it for. Some people just don't deserve a part of you. I am learning that a friend or man should earn pieces of me.
I am HUMAN.....