I spent 10 yrs.!!
My entire 20's trying to have men like me. Wanting their attention, Wanting that love and safety I so desperately wanted. Not knowing the one thing I wanted most was the love from my dad.
I spent my whole 20's trying to be this sex appeal, this irresistible woman. Thinking sex was going to make them stay.
But then... I became just that. I became the good lay, not the good WOMAN. I was the woman they were sexually craving for but not the woman they were eager to love. They didn't know anything about me. They only knew I was a lot of fun to be with.
Did they know my heart? No.
Did they know what made me happy? No.
Did they know what my plans were for the future. No.
I was simply sex and a good time, I was the woman you called when you wanted to just have fun. When things got serious they walked and some ran lol.
I spent my whole 20's trying to be this image for men that I wasn't thinking of being that image for myself. I put my happiness to the side. When I wasn't the fun girl to have sex with, I was the girl you came too to get help from, for advice. I became this weird friend with benefits zone that I truly hated. No guy took me serious but they always enjoyed my company. It was the beginning of a very confused insecure road for me.They were never ready for me but always ready for someone else. They would explain that I was the wife and family material they weren't ready for. Yet they would spend 3 years or more with a woman. so whats the difference? What made me different from the next woman? I found myself feeling empty without a mans attention. I knew I was in the friend zone but feeling like someone else was competing for the same man made me feel so small. I was devaluing myself before anything. My thoughts always became not so negative but very doubtful. I started to think well if I looked this way he would like me. If I had this kind of skin, hair or body shape more men would want me. I started focusing so much on what a man would want me for; that I never thought about what I wanted for ME. We can lose ourselves so much by trying to please others and get someone else's attention. The worse part is that when we don't get it the way WE expect to get it, we become our worse enemy; we bash ourselves without even knowing it.
I wasted my 20's on being this image to others, when I need to be an image for ME. Looking in the mirror was easy when I had makeup and sexy clothes on. I felt powerful like I could get any man I wanted. What happens after I get him? After he gets to know me? That's the part when I lose them. When they get to know me and see I'm more than a pretty face. When they see I have a huge heart and that they could actually like me more, They run...
It's easy for me to get guys to notice me. It's hard to not scare them off. A friend told me that it's a good thing and that I shouldn't change how strong minded and loving I am. But after a while it messes with you. You start to really wonder why if I am such a great woman that all these men say I am but not enough to make a wife or even a girlfriend? Not enough to love unconditionally. Not enough to keep.
My whole 20's I struggle with that thought.
When I did get into a relationships, I found myself in very toxic relationships. I would get with guys that were broken, confused, angry at the world, lost. That attracted me a lot. I wanted to fix them. I wanted to help them feel better about themselves. I wanted to nurture them and build them up. Meanwhile it was draining the life out of me. Trying to ignore the fact that what needed nurturing and fixing was ME. Who needed to be build up was ME. I never wanted to look at my pain. It hurt too much so I always wanted to fix others. I wanted to protect everyone that came in my life from this internal pain that I was constantly dealing with. One day I thought well my dad didn't want me and he created me!!! So I am just no good. Maybe I am just fun. Maybe thats all I am good for. Everyone knew me as this positive bubbly person. I am most definitely but behind closed doors I was a mess. I was so sad, lost and numb. Trying to find way to avoid the mirror. Trying not to admit to myself that I was broken. I didn't want to face it, because that meant I had to DEAL with it. I just kept telling myself I will not let anyone I love or come my way feel the way I feel. No one on this earth should feel this. Even friends, co-workers that have torn me apart, betrayed me, men that used and abused me physically, mentally and emotionally I still didn't want them to deal with what I fought everyday. I've always known my purpose here in this cruel world, I thought my purpose was to protect. After my domestic violence relationship I promise to help as many women as I can, to gain the strength to not be afraid and to walk away. Most of all to know they aren't alone. I felt so alone and I was so young that I couldn't understand anything. I have been in many dark places in my 20's.
I know today someone reading this is in a dark place. Your in that place feeling very confused. The pain can be unbearable sometimes. All I can tell you is that your not alone and it will get better. It's hard to see the light but it's there. I'm opening up and telling some of my testimony because I felt the need to let some of you know that even the strongest, happiest person has felt pain. That there is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!! You just need to focus on you now. Focus on being the best woman you can be for you. They say you can't love anyone if you don't love yourself. THATS TRUE
Turning 30 has truly shown me that very clearly. I've spent 3yrs loving a man unconditionally, literally trying to show him what having a new life and love can be only to realize that I didn't love myself enough for him to value me either. I'm coming into my 30's with so much more confidence in myself and who I am. I'm embracing a new decade and I want to make sure I bring it doing it the right way and that's loving ME first. My kids are my WORLD but how can they understand how to love themselves. Have respect and be sure not to make similar choices if I am not making the right choices.
Coming into my 30's I just want to be the biggest inspiration for my generation and the next. It's only getting worse and more confusing and there is so much selfishness that it's only getting harder for these young woman to know what becoming a woman is. Sexuality is exploded all over the place and girls are thinking more and more that if I have sex with a man or woman they will like me. Not knowing what a dark door they are opening. I felt strongly to write this. I kept putting this off but God kept telling me to write. I am also working on being obedient so this has truly been a journey. I hope this helps you. If your reading this just know it took some time to realize this, to face what I knew but didn't want to face. Deal with your issues and watch how the light gets brighter. If you feel alone just know your not. If you don't feel like commenting it's ok you can email me, If it's not me find someone. Don't suffer in silence.