I mourn the death of what once was a beautiful love. A love noone believed in but me. Not even you. I was in this world so deep in love with someone who loved the idea of love but truly didnt know the meaning of it. I was in this fairytale story alone singing thinking everything was perfect, even when the storms came I still danced in the rain. I was in love with the good and bad in you.
But then the bad took over and the storm stayed. Eventually I couldnt dance anymore..
When the bad started to change you and nomatter how much I would tell you I love you, Are you happy? can we do this together? The more you pushed away. When you pushed I closed in and built up this wall to protect myself. This wall that still didnt protect me because today still I mourn the death of us. I remember the happy moments and always wish I was there
They say you cant help who you love, I agree.
but I cant love someone so toxic, someone that didnt see what a great woman I am.
I cant be with someone that expected me to except his flaws, forgive him for every mistake he made but wasnt excepting mine.
This relatiosnhip was a one way street. I became controlling, I became aggressive. Becoming this woman I didnt even recognize in the mirror. Who is this? I'm angry, unhappy, lost, confused and scared of this monster. Who is he? Thats not the man I fell in Love with. This is not the man I wanted to have children with. This is not the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with...
When everyone saw you I didnt want too.
I wanted to believe you were this man I thought I saw in you. I wanted to believe my heart was right and reality was wrong.
I wanted to be this happy woman dancing in the rain again.
Waiting on a miracle everyday, waiting for you to see I wasnt the problem.
Now I have to deal with your hurtful words and you moving on as if I never existed.
I am strong enough to deal with all of this pain and still I stand.
One thing I'm sure is that My story will be one heck of a story. If I could love the wrong man that much, sacrifice my health and even my life for him and still believe in love. Then the next love I have is going to have the best of me. I walk away learning from all of this. I will always love you. My heart still beats for you. If it was my wish I would always pick you. BUT
it comes down to what I want and what I TRULY deserve. I deserve a everlasting love. I deserve to feel safe and appreciated. I deserve to be excepted of my flaws. I deserve a man that will love, honor and cherish me. Most of all to respect me and be faithful nomatter how hard it gets.
So as hard as it is move on I know that this is all babysteps and this is preparing me for a very beautiful future. I wish things were different but this is what it is now and I have to continue life as you did when you left.
RIP to Us
When this song came out I instantly fell in love. Every word was exactly how i felt about you. I listened to it over and over while you were working falling more in love with you. Wanting to be this woman for you so badly that I started losing myself. I loved you so much. I didnt ever want to imagine life without you. I remember wanting us to finally have a break through and to start enjoying life. I wanted you to get better so bad that I would always try to motivate you. I would show you all the songs that reminded me of our love. You were My King, My Everything. I didnt want to believe the lies, I didnt want to believe that you were this cruel person. I wanted to believe that I could be your motivation to be a better man and a father. Instead you kept pushing away and then you ran. The King that I once loved so much that your voice alone would light up my day turned into the man that aims to hurt me everyday. The King in my eyes I would run too when I felt lost and sad is now the man that I cant even tell him I need help with our kids. The king that promised me the world now aims to give me nothing but hell. How did I not see you? How did we get here? How could you hate me so much that you could treat me as if I was never there for you through the hardest times of your life? I use to lay at night thinking what could I have possibly done so bad that I deserved this? When i told everyone I was good, I use to put the kids I sleep early and cry because I missed you so much. I use to beg God to bring you back. How did I not see how evil you are? Where is my King?
Now I continue life working on me. I work on loving myself again and making sure no man can ruin me the way you did. I am so much better in life without you. I have accomplished more in a year then we did together. And everytime I think about how you couldnt just hold on. How you couldnt just stay strong and let the storm pass. For a while when something happensed I wanted to pick up the phone and call you first and then I was reminded of all the pain you caused me. All the lies you told me and how you still treat me, when you were the one that destroyed us. I will keep our good memories and I will cherish them so that my children can remember the good. They dont need to know the bad. I can throw that away and move forward knowing that my God is My King. He always was. He never failed me, never deserted me, never lost faith in me even when I lost faith in him. When you left me alone with so much to fix and take care of, God picked me up and said WE got this.
God is my KING....
When I hear this song I will remember you and I will remember the good times and then I'll move on...
I spent 10 yrs.!!
My entire 20's trying to have men like me. Wanting their attention, Wanting that love and safety I so desperately wanted. Not knowing the one thing I wanted most was the love from my dad.
I spent my whole 20's trying to be this sex appeal, this irresistible woman. Thinking sex was going to make them stay.
But then... I became just that. I became the good lay, not the good WOMAN. I was the woman they were sexually craving for but not the woman they were eager to love. They didn't know anything about me. They only knew I was a lot of fun to be with.
Did they know my heart? No.
Did they know what made me happy? No.
Did they know what my plans were for the future. No.
I was simply sex and a good time, I was the woman you called when you wanted to just have fun. When things got serious they walked and some ran lol.
I spent my whole 20's trying to be this image for men that I wasn't thinking of being that image for myself. I put my happiness to the side. When I wasn't the fun girl to have sex with, I was the girl you came too to get help from, for advice. I became this weird friend with benefits zone that I truly hated. No guy took me serious but they always enjoyed my company. It was the beginning of a very confused insecure road for me.They were never ready for me but always ready for someone else. They would explain that I was the wife and family material they weren't ready for. Yet they would spend 3 years or more with a woman. so whats the difference? What made me different from the next woman? I found myself feeling empty without a mans attention. I knew I was in the friend zone but feeling like someone else was competing for the same man made me feel so small. I was devaluing myself before anything. My thoughts always became not so negative but very doubtful. I started to think well if I looked this way he would like me. If I had this kind of skin, hair or body shape more men would want me. I started focusing so much on what a man would want me for; that I never thought about what I wanted for ME. We can lose ourselves so much by trying to please others and get someone else's attention. The worse part is that when we don't get it the way WE expect to get it, we become our worse enemy; we bash ourselves without even knowing it.
I wasted my 20's on being this image to others, when I need to be an image for ME. Looking in the mirror was easy when I had makeup and sexy clothes on. I felt powerful like I could get any man I wanted. What happens after I get him? After he gets to know me? That's the part when I lose them. When they get to know me and see I'm more than a pretty face. When they see I have a huge heart and that they could actually like me more, They run...
It's easy for me to get guys to notice me. It's hard to not scare them off. A friend told me that it's a good thing and that I shouldn't change how strong minded and loving I am. But after a while it messes with you. You start to really wonder why if I am such a great woman that all these men say I am but not enough to make a wife or even a girlfriend? Not enough to love unconditionally. Not enough to keep.
My whole 20's I struggle with that thought.
When I did get into a relationships, I found myself in very toxic relationships. I would get with guys that were broken, confused, angry at the world, lost. That attracted me a lot. I wanted to fix them. I wanted to help them feel better about themselves. I wanted to nurture them and build them up. Meanwhile it was draining the life out of me. Trying to ignore the fact that what needed nurturing and fixing was ME. Who needed to be build up was ME. I never wanted to look at my pain. It hurt too much so I always wanted to fix others. I wanted to protect everyone that came in my life from this internal pain that I was constantly dealing with. One day I thought well my dad didn't want me and he created me!!! So I am just no good. Maybe I am just fun. Maybe thats all I am good for. Everyone knew me as this positive bubbly person. I am most definitely but behind closed doors I was a mess. I was so sad, lost and numb. Trying to find way to avoid the mirror. Trying not to admit to myself that I was broken. I didn't want to face it, because that meant I had to DEAL with it. I just kept telling myself I will not let anyone I love or come my way feel the way I feel. No one on this earth should feel this. Even friends, co-workers that have torn me apart, betrayed me, men that used and abused me physically, mentally and emotionally I still didn't want them to deal with what I fought everyday. I've always known my purpose here in this cruel world, I thought my purpose was to protect. After my domestic violence relationship I promise to help as many women as I can, to gain the strength to not be afraid and to walk away. Most of all to know they aren't alone. I felt so alone and I was so young that I couldn't understand anything. I have been in many dark places in my 20's.
I know today someone reading this is in a dark place. Your in that place feeling very confused. The pain can be unbearable sometimes. All I can tell you is that your not alone and it will get better. It's hard to see the light but it's there. I'm opening up and telling some of my testimony because I felt the need to let some of you know that even the strongest, happiest person has felt pain. That there is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!! You just need to focus on you now. Focus on being the best woman you can be for you. They say you can't love anyone if you don't love yourself. THATS TRUE
Turning 30 has truly shown me that very clearly. I've spent 3yrs loving a man unconditionally, literally trying to show him what having a new life and love can be only to realize that I didn't love myself enough for him to value me either. I'm coming into my 30's with so much more confidence in myself and who I am. I'm embracing a new decade and I want to make sure I bring it doing it the right way and that's loving ME first. My kids are my WORLD but how can they understand how to love themselves. Have respect and be sure not to make similar choices if I am not making the right choices.
Coming into my 30's I just want to be the biggest inspiration for my generation and the next. It's only getting worse and more confusing and there is so much selfishness that it's only getting harder for these young woman to know what becoming a woman is. Sexuality is exploded all over the place and girls are thinking more and more that if I have sex with a man or woman they will like me. Not knowing what a dark door they are opening. I felt strongly to write this. I kept putting this off but God kept telling me to write. I am also working on being obedient so this has truly been a journey. I hope this helps you. If your reading this just know it took some time to realize this, to face what I knew but didn't want to face. Deal with your issues and watch how the light gets brighter. If you feel alone just know your not. If you don't feel like commenting it's ok you can email me, If it's not me find someone. Don't suffer in silence.
First I would like to thank you all for your patience while I've been away... So much good and bad has happened. If you guys don't know, I recently went through a breakup with the father of my two youngest kids. There's a whole blog about it, if u read the previous ones you will see. I don't mind putting my personal and business situations out there because I know it could help someone. However sometimes some situations need time before u can speak about it. I feel like you should always heal from a situation first and be ready for whatever questions or reaction may come your way so that YOUR reactions will always be honest and respectful. Especially if your still emotional and can't take the heat. You know when you put your business out there someone will always have an opinion on how you should of handled it, sometimes negative. Always be ready to control your feelings.
Anyways so this topic has been on my mind from time to time and I feel like it's getting bigger the more I meet other makeup lovers. The other day, I had a convo with another makeup artist. We were talking about how much we love makeup and I told her that I LOVE YOUTUBE. Like seriously ladies I watch it more than TV. (DON'T JUDGE ME!! LOL ) So she started saying that she doesn't like that some of the beauty guru's make all this money and they call themselves makeup artist meanwhile they can only do makeup on them selves. She also mentioned that REAL makeup artist hustle more than what people think and that it isn't easy when you have to invest in your own makeup kit, we don't get sponsored; we have to get out there and get clients and travel....etc. She sounded more bothered by the fact that they are successful then her to be honest. I could tell that she's tried to put herself out their and she was just feeling discouraged. I didn't judge her (Because we shouldnt judge anyone) I didn't even give her my opinion too much. Sometimes it's just best to listen.
I feel like she's right and wrong. She mentioned that they do these looks and people copy them and everyone wants to looks the same. And I just felt stuck because I can relate but then again I disagree. Every look we all do is an inspiration of someone's else's with a twist. And I feel like how else will we get inspiration from other looks if they don't create them or put their twist on them. It's been a great outlet for other women to be inspired and I love that all these wonderful woman are putting themselves out there, doing all of this promotion, and events and creating there own makeup palettes, skincare, etc. and if they are getting paid for what they love even better. Now in a way I can agree with this woman because I have been doing makeup for 12 years and I at one point had to hustle, do make overs and I can understand that she feels like u can't call yourself a makeup artist (MUA) if you haven't started from the ground up. Ladies I can say it's no joke. Being a makeup artist is not an easy job, it's alot of sacrificing. To be honest I put it aside because when I decided to be a mom and a single mom, at the time I had to chose to whether hustle and lose everything or find a job similar to what I love to do and still take care of my son and now my children. It's a long story on why I couldn't. Maybe in another blog I'll talk about that.
Now I know Viva.Glam.Kay had clients. I've been following her for a while so I know she can beat some faces lol and Jaclyn Hill mentioned a few times she did make overs. Not too sure about all the others you tubers. I just don't think a title matters. Your talent should speak for itself period. Nomatter what you do and who your doing it on. The fact that your an inspiration should be a wonderful title nomatter what you do. If you can do makeup AWESOME. Show me some tricks!! Just because I have been doing this a long time doesn't mean I know everything. I learn everydsy and I don't feel less of a makeup artist. It humbles me and I enjoy learning. Everyone has a different technique even if u learned it from someone else, u will always try something new even after u know what to do. It's natural and that's why I respect all of these wonderful women. I have to also mention that I tried doing the my career on YouTube. I still hope to do that one day, but I didn't have much support at that time and it was very difficult to do when I had my second son. However, let me tell you creating new content for your videos, editing, takes up alot of time TRUST ME! and to be honest I would still be doing them but God has something else planned for me, I have my organization to focus on and now that I'm a single mom to 3 kids. Those two take up my time. Lol not too mention I have a new full time job now too lol... I have alot on my plate for 2016 but I'm not giving up. Working to make I Luv Me More to be a huge Organization is my dream, my goal and I will not stop doing what I can to make that dream come true. My kids are watching me and I want them to grow up to be humbled and inspired to do the same for the world in their own way and it starts with me :) so ladies let me know what you think about this topic.. What's your opinion? What do you think they should call themselves?
Hope you all have a wonderful day!!
I am in AWWWWWWWWWW of this palette!!!!
Kylie Jenner You go girl!!!! I couldn't get my hands on this palette, but I can already tell how wonderful it's going to be.
The colors look so rich and smooth.
I SEE THE DEDICATION KYLIE HAS TO HER MAKEUP LINE AND THAT I ADMIRE MOST. I AM SURE THEY MATCH UP TO HER LIPS KITS...
This is more like Wisdom Thursday.... :/
to be honest with you ladies, I have my days where I am so motivated that I feel like nothing can stop me and then I have my days where I cant even get out of my bed. There is a lot that play apart to that but if you haven't been keeping up with my blogs you should after this one...lol... but I have just been really trying to move on with life and live without a man that I truly thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I wouldn't have had kids with him if i didn't think so. So I still have some days where it hurts. Now I am getting better, I am feeling happier, I am starting to see a brighter future and I am becoming more ok with the fact that, He just wont see what I see. But there are some days where I just want to kick his butt...lol... Learning that sometimes you have to let someone lose what they have to appreciate what they had and if they don't come back then they weren't meant for you. I am putting my foot down and showing him its all or nothing and more then ever as a man you will love and respect me the way I am a woman of God first DESERVES!!! If I lose him because he doesn't want to see that well then I know my awesome God has an amazing man for me and I am trusting God all the way this time.
Anyways smh I really didn't want to write long, its been so hectic but I want to thank you all for your patience, but please always come on here for the videos, I literately make it a priority to put new videos every day. Its the writing that becomes a challenge because I am taking care of my kids mostly by myself, working, and taking care of my home. I don't mind it but I have my days where I am overwhelmed. What pumps me up is that I will be able to prove to myself and my ex that I will never fall and I will always succeed. I am very proud of myself and thats all that matters right now. I can't be good for my kids, if I'm not, and now I started this 30 day challenge and it's been kind of hard but I want to look my best again. I have been struggling with my weight for 2 years and it's time I get it in control. If you want more info follow me on FaceBook (Julievet Figueroa) and my group chat is called "30 day challenge "and join... Hope you ladies had a good day sorry for the late post again. and see you for my fav FABULOUS FRIDAY!!
THANK GOD ITS FRIDAY RIGHT?!
I feel like this week was a little dragging...lol... Maybe because of this horrible weather I mean one day beautiful the next cold and cloudy and the next rain smh. WHERE ARE YOU SPRING???
Anyway's I wanted to share with you this lovely video I came across of someone I have admired since she started her youtube channel 4 years ago. To see how much she is progressing is wonderful but also breaks my heart to see her be a little discouraged in her journey to success. But its ok to be going through it because not only is greatness going to come out of it but it just only humbles you more. I wanted to post this video for you ladies, in any situation in life you go through discouragement, doubt, fear, and excitement all at the same time but its what God brings to the table that makes you feel like there is Hope.
I hope you subscribe to her channel she is truly inspirational...
Couldn't blog much today I have SOOOO much going on just alone today but staying committed to my blog is one of my priorities that I don't want to break. Have a FABULOUS DAY!!!!
I found a poem that just caught my eye and i felt like I should share it , by Balveen Cheema
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
In the blink of an eye and remorse far away
Your wavering heart blistered away my loving years
Your verbal pleasantries seem to mock
Your artful facade with a serpentine sting
In the beatific moments your need was me
We spent lucid loving hours spent at comfortable ease
New beginnings became easy with me to shield
You climbed my inherited ladders in splendid guise
I spruced the hearth and kept it warm with crystalline cheer
Your eyes, I fear, I couldn't fathom as I tucked our babes to bed
Now you fumble with your deceitful heart to temper me
When unchartered hours were gambled away with a seductive lass
Trust exploded in my rose quartz heart
When I saw you two cooing by mere accident
Your pitched frequency of dilly dallying
No more resonates with my simplicity
Our winsome fairy tale has ended
And your wilful satiric tale has begun
The charisma of ethereal love is poised on
Drooling actions and not on banal promises
As for me every day that goes by I am feeling more hopeful and happy. I am happy for my future with God and with my children. My relationship seems to be going nowhere and nothing to be sad about. I have just realized that If I wanted to really see a change, I really need to just let go, if its meant to be it will be. I am living my life and he will make the effort to be back in my life if he doesn't well I wish him luck. I woke up the other day realizing that I shouldn't miss someone that isn't showing me they miss me, he says he does but thats as far as it goes. That doesn't show me he wants this relationship. If he did then I wouldn't be questioning my relationship right? I am in a better place knowing that it may never work again and you know why? God sees my heart and to be honest I know I am a good women so either God will change his ways and he will come around or he will send me a new man that will sweep me off my feet. I am hopeful and I am not sad anymore. God is healing me everyday, I am growing everyday and I see that theres no point in taking control when God is always in control and he know whats best for me more then I do. I miss my relationship, I miss how we use to be but I cant keep missing what was. Yesterday is gone and today I am being shown that this relationship is not as important to work on because like always everything else is more important, I hate when a man says "I have to focus on work". Yea you should but that doesn't mean you can't focus on repairing your relationship either. So as he progresses with work he will fail in his relationship and if he doesn't care enough to fix it then I shouldn't care enough to cry about it. I want to be AT LEAST equally important but I am not at the moment, so I have to walk away and let him see whats more important. I cant show him because I am not him. It's his life and I cant force him to make us more important if it really isn't. I promised myself I will not be controlling and I will just show him what a good woman I always was and always will be. I am staying strong for myself and my children. I know I can have an amazing life and love and I will not settle for less then what I know a relationship can be. A relationship should be filled with LOVE, Trust, Communication, RESPECT, Loyalty and even Friendship. I am aware of the challenges and thats where Compromise and Understanding come in and helps us get through it. I know there will be very tough times too but what I don't want is someone by my side to give up. I need a fighter and a warrior next to me. If we both aren't quitters then we can conquer any challenges that come our way.
Hope you all have a great Day!!!
1 Corinthians 2-9:10
" No eye has seen, no ear has heard,
and no mind has imagined
what God has prepared
for those who love him."*
Hey its MOMMY MONDAY!!!!
Yes its Monday, I am super exhausted and what's crazy is that I had such a relaxing weekend. My kids stayed with their dad this weekend and I had something important to do in the morning but then that was it. I was so lost on what to do that I ended up spending the weekend with my Best Friend and my Goddaughter :), I am so used to at least one of my kids with me that I was like what am I going to do now...lol My house was clean, laundry is not that full and in my building doing laundry on the weekends is the WORSE!!! so I was like what the hell I haven't had a sleepover with my BFF in a long time. So thats what I did all weekend nothing but Girl Talk, Cheesecake and TV Shows all weekend...lol we didn't even cook dinner we ordered Chinese food...lol
It was something I needed. I needed it because I have been feeling like such a horrible mom lately and I needed to just get away from some memories that still bother me. I have been fixing up my apt now getting it to look more like me then when it resembled us and I have been trying to figure out what colors to paint my apt, YES I AM PAINTING MY APT...lol. I feel like I need a change that will help me not remember the past too much and just keep moving forward, even if in the future we could get back together, God has his ways of sometimes allowing a relationship to part ways only for them to realize what he put together. God has a way to make miracles happen. So I am trusting in only him and not my understandings anymore.but for now during this tough journey, I don't want that memory of this tough break up to come up whether I am with him or not. I can't say what the future will bring but I am the type of person that if its in the past then remove everything that will constantly remind you of pain. I have 2 pictures in the whole house up of us as a family and honestly thats for the kids but everything else is just the kids..lol. Not to be mean but during this process, I need a clear mind for myself and my kids. Its hard because your learning to live a new life without someone you couldn't even imagine living without. So the journey is rough but I know God has a plan for all of this and I am just trusting in him and learning to be obedient.
So this topic today is about not killing yourself being "THE PERFECT MOM" first there is no such thing as a perfect mom and second your going to lose yourself in trying to be this mom that is impossible to be. You have to remember being a mom is a difficult job but if your not truly happy, then how can your kids ever will be? Your kids can give you so much joy because they do, but don't lose who you are as a WOMAN. You have to take time out for you and only you. Why? Not only to get your thoughts and sanity together lol but to also continue to know yourself and still learn as you grow what you still like and don't like. You don't want to stay one way because your kids will grow up and as they are changing they will learn new things and if you're not, how will they ever learn anything from you? How will they be inspired by you if you're not improving yourself? We are an image they will see that will constantly show them who to look up too. I have been learning that in my journey as a full time mom. I don't want my kids to feel like I am not inspirational to them. Take a weekend or a day which ever works best for you but work on yourself as much as you can because now you have a child or children that will not only look up to you but will become an image of you. So if you make mistakes along the way don't kill yourself feeling bad, I did that for a long time. and still do it and i have to catch myself. All I can do is move forward everyday to be a better and better mom and try my best to who them what they need to know to add goodness into this world when they are older. I learned that by taking time for myself and learning more and more of who I am and the woman I want to become. Hope this helped you ladies in some way...
Do not cast away your confidence, which has great reward.
Thought it would be really cool to share this video with you ladies, I was fascinated because I hate doing my nails, I have no patience for them and I think it comes with having kids..lol... My luck isn't so great when I do my nails. Something always comes up where I have to get something or hold one of my kids and they always mess up.
Quick funny story...
So When I first started trying to get into doing my nails I bought so many colors and all that I needed to do my nails. That night I got really excited and I painted my nails and was super happy of the finish look. I did them right before I went to sleep, the kids were knocked out and all I had to do was my nails and then just go to sleep. So I told myself that I will lay on my back and they should be dry in the morning.... I wish this blog had emojis so I can show you my face right now....lol
SO in the morning I wake up to all of my nails stuck to my sheets...smh literally stuck!! I was so furious and was like thats it!!!! I'M DONE!!!!
So press on nails is my kind of thing now, so I am definitely going to try this and I will let you guys know how it turned out next week on Fabulous Friday... If you try it sooner let me know send me a pic and tell me how was your process...I would love to hear from you....