Have you grown up without a father?
Did you have you father in you life but he went ever aroundYou ever felt like you just want to feel cared about?
A lot of these things happen to many of us. Men don't understand what a role they play in a women's life. We can act strong as much as we want but in the end all we want is to feel wanted. I can openly be honest about my story because I am pass that and I have forgiven myself for acting out. So I'll write about my experience to let you ladies know that your not aloe and its ok to feel this way.
My father was in my life until I was 12. I was daddy little girl. Although he was a drug addict, Alcoholic, and a horrible husband, there was nothing you could say that would change my love for my dad. He was my everything. Mon-Thurs he was out until 6 or 7. when he cmd home he always wanted glass of water. I already had it ready by the time he got home. he would come home and i would watch spanish shows that i didn't understand really! lol, but I just wanted to sit with him and enjoy his company. fridays he would disappear until saturday night. He would come home so drunk and high sometimes he wasn't very nice so we would stay in our rooms and just wait until he passed out. My mom i must say the strongest women I have ever known. She stayed with him for me. she knew how much I love him and how much I would be torn without him. Sometimes i also feel like she had hope that he would change.
When I was 12 came home and I remember my dads stuff not being around and I remember feeling relieved for my mom because she didn't know this but i knew she wasn't happy. i knew my dad wasn't good to her and i knew that she didn't deserve to be like this because she was an amazing mom. so it didn't bother me much because i knew my father wasn't going to be far and i knew i was going to still see him. at least i thought i knew.
Moving forward because this is a long story, my father stopped looking for me, i would wait hours for him around his hangout spot in hopes to see him and i would just end up going home in tears. weeks turned into Months and i rarely ever saw him, got a phone call, Nothing! I grew up with a huge whole in my heart. Not understanding that it was his addiction that took over his life not understanding the streets sucking him in. he forgot he had a family, he forgot he had a daughter. in the time that happened my brother moved away to college so the two men in my life left and i was eft with a empty heart and with my amazing mom. I knew she was sad, I saw it in her eyes. My mother became the reason why I work so hard today. to make her proud to make her realize that i was a good reason for being with my father.
At 19 I started partying heavy, I started to dating a lot. I wasn't a girl to sleep around because of my fear of catching an STD. OMG!!! this is off topic but my mother at a young aged taught me about sex and diseases. lets just say that scarred me! However I am not afraid to admit that I dated a lot of guys wanting to feel wanted. The moment I felt like they wanted just sex I would cut them off because I didn't just war that. I wanted to feel like he thought about me all day. I wanted a guy to be romantic and sweet. I wanted a guy to hold me me passion. I didn't get that much because meeting guys in a club is not what i would get. I cant begin to tell you how many times i would meet a guy, hangout with him after the club and be let down. I was blind to understand that that late at night a guy really just wanted to talk or hangout. I took so many cabs home, I cant even begin to tell you. lol. but i didn't care because i wanted to feel wanted but i didn't want to feel used. I knew the difference and I was smart enough to know that once you gave it up you will never her from them again. so i stood strong to what i wanted.
As i kept dating, i grew more sad inside because i felt like an idiot wanting to feel this way from a guy. and i started to notice that it was never going to happen. I had friends who enjoyed the night life and liked sleeping around and just mingling. that wasn't for me. I loved the night life but i didn't like the idea of sleeping around. My mother taught me young that my body was a temple, and that sleeping with strangers is only going to have you lose yourself more because you give apart of you to them. and it is so true. I knew some girls who would lose themselves so deeply that they became numb.
Wanting to feel wanted is not bad. I a not ashamed of my story and I am not ashamed to say i wanted to feel wanted. I wanted to feel loved and cared about. thats just being human.all of us are that way. however a lot of situations in life cause us to either never want love or have us searching for it more. Its to easy to admit but every person wants to feel wanted.
if you are in a similar situation or you do want to feel wanted its ok. just don't make bad choices in your life that will cause you to lose yourself more. not only will you grow more confused but you will grow to feel more hopeless. its ok if you don't have a father figure or even a male figure. everything happens for a reason. and to be honest my reason was because i found my love in God. I found myself feeling always loved my God. When i did that i no longer felt the need to feel wanted by a man. I started to feel like a man should be wanting me because I was the prize.
I hope this helps you all.
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