I have to be honest that this is one of my fav topics to talk about is learning and living in this crazy world that we have to be grateful for everyday. I love life more and more because it can change so drastically in a good way or bad and I am learning to appreciate every moment that comes my way.
I have been reading Gods word a little more. Trying to be obedient more and more because he has truly been blessing me with the most little but amazing things and I cannot be more grateful for him.
Now before I start if I make you feel uncomfortable by always speaking about God, I am truly sorry but this is my journey and I don't want you to feel like I am pushing you to believe in him because I am not. I don't judge because like I said in one of my previous post I don't judge and I once was in a dark place where I was very angry with God and I wanted nothing to do with him.
My life now with God has changed I believe because noone forced me to believe in him he came to me on his timing and the right timing and showed me exactly what I needed to hear and see that without him I was going to continue down a path that was only going to be destructive for me and no one else. I couldn't blame anyone for my life being so horrible. It was the choices I was making that was creating such chaos. Now in my relationship journey, I am realizing the same. Its hard to let go of someone you love so much that your heart hurts to be away from them. That your stomach hurts so bad the pain never leaves you. But how can you stay with that kind of pain and see that the other person is no where near hurting as much as you are. That person is too focused on themselves and what benefits them that your health and well being no longer matters that much. Not saying he doesn't care at all but my feelings are no longer his priority. His actions show that our relationship is not what he wants to focus on and repair. So why hold on to someone who is not on your level. Why hold on to someone who is so stuck in the past and I am focused on today and my future. We have our moments when we are good but the moments when we aren't still over power the good and that I will not stand for in my future, I understand that we will have hard times but as you grow you will see what you are suppose to fight through and what your not suppose to tolerate and more and more God is showing me that. I am a strong woman and I have to focus on me, what makes me happy, what I will except and what I wont. What makes my heart melt and what makes my heart hurt and most of all who I am as a woman in christ. This man I love so much has to realize that he will have to seek christ to learn how to love me and more then ever I am determine to stick to my ways and not show weakness anymore, because I'm not weak and I will not be treated less then what I am.
I recently had a photoshoot and I promise you ladies I haven't felt that sexy in a while but it was a confident sexy not a lust kind of sexy. I was very proud of myself to step out of what makes me so afraid and just do it. I am conquering my fears more then ever lately. I am doing things that put me in a box. Its a wonderful feeling to feel free and feel like who I am is starting to blossom. Now I am not perfect, I am still making mistakes, I am still doing some bad habits but thats what is wonderful about God. He is patient and he sees my efforts and he knows my focus is real and that I am broken and to put the pieces back together will take time. But his word and his love is definitely doing that. I am slowly not needing love from a man and slowly depending on God's Love and the love I have for myself.. Today depend on loving yourself enough to not need a love from a man or anyone else. Depend on YOU because ONLY YOU can make YOU happy and at peace. Then the person that sees you for who you are will try and match that love everyday. If they don't it wont hurt as much to let them go because you have YOU. Don't be selfish now and be like me, me, me ,me... lol. but be confident in knowing you don't need a man to feel loved. I am learning that more everyday.
Proverbs 2-12 :15
Wisdom will save you from evil people,
from those whose words are twisted.
These men turn from the right way
to walk down dark paths
They take pleasure in doing wrong
and they enjoy the twisted ways of evil.
their actions are crooked
and their ways are wrong.